Mackenzie's Mission by Rachael Casella

Author:Rachael Casella [Rachael Casella]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2020-04-11T00:00:00+00:00

Our grief

‘Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is okay, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.’

Unknown

Until Mackenzie was diagnosed, we had lived a mostly normal life. Like most lucky people, we were largely ignorant of the pain that losing a loved one brings. We had lost some older relatives, mainly our grandparents, and as sad as it was to no longer have such wonderful souls in our world, we felt that they had each had a long and good life. It was, in a sense, the natural order of things. But after our normal world came crashing down, it seemed that in our innocent existence before Mackenzie’s diagnosis we had been oblivious to the possibility of anything shattering our complacency and redefining everything in our lives.

Our immediate family had largely managed to avoid real harm or tragedy. However, Jonny’s extended family had experienced the loss of someone young when his cousin Luke passed away in his early thirties from a brain tumour. I was relatively new to the family at that time but I had met Luke and instantly loved him for the joking, calming charm he exuded. We all deeply felt the sadness of his loss and the unfairness of someone so young being taken from this world before they had fully lived. It provided a reality check for Jonny and I, but it still did not in any way prepare us for losing our own daughter.

On reflection, I think it must have been so hard, so painful, for Luke. He was fully aware of his prognosis, of how his illness was progressing, where it might lead, and the probable outcome. I have no doubt that this awareness was with him in every waking moment. He was a truly courageous person. He dealt with his personal grief face to face, and with grace and even humour. No arguments. We miss him so dearly. Would our little Mackenzie have been as courageous if she had been aware of her illness? Because despite being so young, she too was brave and full of life. She was braver than me. She showed me how brave she was through her laughter, her smiles. By giggling when she played with her daddy. Yes, she was the bravest of the brave.

After we learned of Mackenzie’s diagnosis, we were living the life that everyone fears. Everyone has a secret fear that one day their life will change in an instant, that they’ll get that phone call or a knock on the door. Suddenly, that was us.

Initially I was in pure shock and almost denial. I could not begin to comprehend what had happened to us, to her. It was a grief that we thought would kill us.

The shock eventually mixed with a tremendous sense of the injustice of our situation that fed my overwhelming sadness. I thought, ‘She is a baby. How can the universe give a baby a terminal illness? She is so perfect,

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